My Dad Passed Away

My dad passed away.

Happy Father's Day

I know you probably came here for the quilting stuff, and I do have a TON of stuff to share, but I could not let this event slip by unmarked.

My dad and I had a rocky history.  My two earliest memories of him are emblematic of our entire relationship.

First is him holding my tiny hand while our family walked into the Baskin Robins 31 Flavors ice cream shop. We both wanted chocolate and that made me feel special.

Christmas Day.jpg

Christmas Day, 1975 with Mom and Dad.

Second is being in the front passenger seat of the car while my dad climbed onto the hood, screaming and pounding his fists on the windshield of the car while my mom raced backwards out of the driveway. And that made me feel awful.

Camping Trip 1977

Camping trip with Dad and step-brothers in 1977.

No wonder I have trouble being consistent.  No wonder I confuse food and comfort.  No wonder I always fear I will not be good enough.  No wonder I am soaring high one day and in the depths of despair the next. 

My parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade.  Even though he moved just down the street to be with my soon-to-be stepmom, I saw him mostly only on birthdays and holidays.  And as an adult, it was the same.  I tried to keep connected with Christmas and birthdays but visits were difficult, for so many reasons.

Yearbook photo 1988

Dad, Glenn Endsley, the math teacher, in my senior yearbook photo – 1988.

On August 9th, I found out he had lung cancer.  I was driving when I got the text and had to pull over.  After I stopped gasping for air and could see clearly, I drove straight to his house.  Over the next few weeks, I was able to visit him.  Once, we chatted on the front porch for over an hour – such a wonderful gift from the Lord to me.

Then on September 12th, he was gone.

Wedding Day 1999

Dad and me on my wedding day – 1999.

All I ever wanted, Dad, was to be that special girl you held hands with on the way into Baskin Robbins.  I never wanted to be a burden, a snitch or make you feel guilty.   I just wanted to love you and to be loved.

I will miss your ribald humor, your raucous laughter, your rag-time piano-playing.  I will miss all that you were.  And I will miss all that never was.

Goodbye, Dad.

All my love,

Babe

 

P.S.  Thanks for reading this.  I know many of you have and are suffering so much worse and you have my thoughts and prayers.  Thanks to all of you for the kind words of support and sympathy.  It means the world.

 

 

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16 thoughts on “My Dad Passed Away

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you got to have such quality time with him this Summer. Sometimes blessings come to us in a different form than how we ask–I love to read that you accept this. It is still hard, though. Please remember you are well loved and many prayers are with you.

  2. Life is hard, isn’t it, JennyKae? I wish I had a magic wand, but all I have is a listening ear and a hug! Love you and praying for you! Pat

  3. Jenny, it must be so hard, [and hard is for each one of us soomething very personal, not to compare who’s is a “harder” hard], a million pats on the back for allowing yourself to feel whatever you really feel, and thank you for sharing with all of us. we care.
    shoshana

  4. I am so sorry Jenny. I know the feeling of loss you speak of. I never had a ‘real’ dad. I always wanted a dad like the other girls seemed to have. I dont’ know why I was given the one I had. God doesnt’ make mistakes, so there has to be a reason for our fathers being our fathers. I am sorry and send you my condolences and prayers for your peace of heart and peace of mind. sending all with hugs and love.

    • Oh, yes, we both understand. And agreed, God doesn’t not make mistakes. He has a plan. I am better for having this dad, more compassionate, more empathetic and more forgiving. You have hugs and prayers from me. ❤🌼

  5. Bless your heart♥️. You are having to deal with such an intense and powerful grief not only for his death but also the loss of an imaginary, what-may-have-been father-daughter relationship. Hugs, Jenny

  6. I enjoyed reading this thanks for sharing 👌 I can relate to so many things you’ve shared abound your feelings 🤔💖

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